Ganon, Jobs, and Sporks? Oh My!
by lightwolf8
Summary: Originally I planned on making this a single ch. story. BUT NO! Crack fics are great :D Well, join our messed up TP heroes on... well nothing... just their everyday, messed up lives.WARNING: THESE STORIES CONTAIN PURE IDIOCY AND MADNESS! READ IF YOU DARE!
1. Ganon, Jobs, and Sporks? OH MY!

_**Ganon, Jobs, and… Sporks? Oh my!**_

_**A/N: All right, what do you think would happen if at the end of TP, Ganondorf chose not to fight Link and instead wanted something more? WELL! Here is a messed up fic, containing mostly all of the Zelda characters. Why, you ask? Because I said so!! So, if you enjoy reading complete idiocy and madness, fell free to read on ahead. Did I mention that this is a messed up, idiotic, and mad story?**_

_**Disclaimer: Lightwolf8 does not own any of the Zelda characters, for if she did… well it is best to leave some things unsaid. And you will see why if you read this…**_

_**WARNING: LW8 is extremely serious about this story being messesd up, idiotic, and mad. So if you cannot handle any of the above she suggests that you leave. NOW!! SERIOUSLY!**_

_Narrator: Hi!!! I'm the narrator, the extremely important person in this-_

_Random dude: NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU!! GET ON WITH THE STORY_

_Narrator: Well, excuse me… Let us continue… MAYBE THEN PEOPLE WILL ACTUALLY CARE_!!

Link and Midna: *walk into Hyrule Castle's throne room where the first thing they see is Zelda*

_Narrator: And yes, Zelda is a thing. I mean really-_

_Random dude's agent: MY CLIENT DID NOT COME HERE FOR YOUR OPINIONS! NOW GET ON WITH THE STORY BEFORE I GET MY YOGURT!_

_Narrator: I'M THE ONE TELLING THE STORY SO SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!_

Midna: You! *Points finger accusingly at Ganondork who sits under Zelda* Why are you sitting below her?

Ganondork: Heh heh, well…

Midna and Link: Don't answer that!

Ganon: Fine, fine. Now, welcome to my castle! Would you care for some ale? A dumpling perhaps?

Midna: No we would not! This is not your castle!

Link: Actually, I would like a dumpling…

Ganon: Your pick.

Midna: *face palms herself*

Link: Umm… *reaches for a dumpling, but as soon as he does, Ganon pulls the tray away with an evil laugh*

Ganondork: HAH! I lied!

Link: You… YOU ARE A MEANIE!! *breaks down crying while Midna glares at Ganon*

Midna: So, you think it is funny to build up ones hopes and dreams and then CRUSH them?! Crush them like a tiny ant under you foot?! Do you know how the ants feel?! Just because they are small doesn't mean that they are hopeless!

_Narrator: Well… um… we have to skip this part cause Midna apparently has a VERY colorful vocabulary… *Looks through the newspaper that is conveniently placed beside her* Hey! Did you know that Midna started a 'Save the Ants' campaign? Anyway, let's see if Midna is done ranting. _

Midna: And that is why that no one likes people that offer dumplings but then pull away at the last minute causing the person that was offered the dumplings to start bawling their eyes out so the person that is stuck with them has to go on a rant.

_Narrator: This is going on while Ganon is actually talking in the game. But then again, this is FAR from the game. I think I'll stop interrupting now._

Ganondork: … *Shakes his head* Never mind that! You will never defeat me! *Pixelates and flies up to Zelda.*

Midna: *Tries to protect the Thing but instead Ganon goes through her to Zelda* Hey! That's not fair!

Possessed Zelda: Life isn't fair! *Blasts Midna away with dark magic* Prepare to die, Hero!

Link: Wait a minute… something isn't right… Oh yeah! Thing, move over to me a bit more. A little more. More. THERE!

Possessed Zelda: What is this for?

Link: Now I have a good view.

Possessed Zelda: *unsure whether to blush or fry Link. In the end, it floats down to the ground and puts its hand out challengingly* We fight now.

Link: Cool!

Possessed Zelda: Now fight me! While we…

**[Enter extremely long 'dramatic' pause here]**

Possessed Zelda: Have a dance off.

_Random dude: *points at the author* You are messed up._

_LW8: Why thank you!_

_Narrator: Can I continue._

_LW8: You better or else you aren't getting your pay._

_Narrator: On to the show- WAIT! You aren't paying me anything!_

_LW8: Umm… there is a perfectly good reason for that… *Pulls out machete* BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T CONTINUE I GET YOU HEAD!_

_Narrator: Continuing!_

Possessed Zelda: *Begins to break-dance*

Link: *Does the Charlie Brown* Oh yeah, oh yeah! Can't touch this! Uhhuh… Oh yeah!

_LW8: Hey, um, Narrator? Doesn't Link sound like-_

_Narrator, Random Dude, Random dudes agent, and a hobo: Don't finish that sentence!!! There may be young readers!!_

_LW8: Fine, fine… But this is rated T._

_Hobo: In due time, young grasshopper… in due time._

_LW8: WHAT THE-_

_Narrator: It isn't good to use foul language!_

_LW8: Oh go cry me a river…_

_**10 hours later…**_

Possessed Zelda: You… beat me! Noo!!! *crumples to the ground* I'm melting! I'm meelltttiiinnnggg!!

Midna: *Floats back over and bitch slaps Thing* Why did you blast me outside where it is RAINING!?

Zelda: *slapped so hard that Ganon is knocked out of It*

Ganon: *Begins to pixelate behind Link and Midna into a large beast*

Link: Omigawd! It's Barney the Purple Dinosaur. *squeals like an overly obsessed fan girl*

Midna: *Shakes her head* My life is so messed up… And Link, he isn't even purple!

Link: Shut it, fairy!

Midna: D-did you just call me a _fairy? _

Link: What if I did lard butt?

Midna: Ugh… just shut up and help me defeat this thing!

Link: I don't want to.

Midna: WHAT!?

Link: Now turn me into a puppy!

Midna: No, no! You're supposed to shoot him with you arrows!

Link: *gives Midna the Death Glare* Turn me into a puppy you fairy-bitch!

Midna: Fine… *turns Link into a wolf and watches him walk over to Ganon*

_Link: It's Barney!_

_LW8: Shut up Link and get back into the story. If you do you will get steak._

_Link: STEAK?_

_LW8: Yup._

_Narrator: … As I was saying …_

Link: Hello Barney!

Ganon: I am not Barney! I am Ganon!

Link: You can't deny the truth! You can try but you will fail!

Ganon: I wish I knew that earlier…

Link: It helps doesn't it?

Ganon: *transforms into his human self* I just wish I could be a normal boy! I mean, all my life I was poor! No one would let me have a job because they said I was too tough and mean. Do you think I'm tough and mean?

Link: Of course not.

Ganon: *begins to cry and walks over to Link who had Midna change him back into a human* Why is everyone so mean?

Link: Let it out, let it out… *He pats Ganon on the back as he cries endlessly onto Link's shoulder*

Midna: What in the world is wrong with these people?

Zelda: They have gone through tough times.

Midna: Where did you come from? Weren't you just- Oh never mind.

Zelda: Listen, hun, life is full of twists and turns and you just have to get used to the fact that it isn't what it is turned out to be.

Midna: That has to be… the most… REDICULOUS thing you have ever said!

Zelda: *does that funny back and forth snappy thingy* What are you talkin' 'bout sista? At least I'm not naked!

Midna: I'm not naked! And at least I'm not a _thing. _Actually, I don't even think that you're a thing.

Zelda: You did not just go there.

Midna: You bet I did!

Zelda: Then by the power of the Seductive Din, Wise Idiot Nayru, and Lone Farore I banish you! *does funny hand motions*

Midna: And guess what? I'm still here! And what?!

Zelda: You heard me! So-

Link: Hey!

Midna and Zelda: WHAT?!

Link: … Oh, um… Yeah, I'm going to help Ganondork find a job!

Midna and Zelda: A… job?

Ganon: ----

_Narrator: Do I _have _to say that?_

_LW8: *Laughing so hard she can't speak* Y-yes! HAHAHA!_

_Narrator: Can I please switch it? PLEASE?! What you have is disturbing and will give our readers nightmares!_

_LW8: Fine, fine! Put what you want._

Ganon: Yup!

_Narrator: See! Yup is highly less disturbing._

_LW8: Dude… you just ruined the fun_

_Narrator: You should go see a psychiatrist for your mental health. Sometimes I worry about you. On with the show!_

Zelda: Really?

Link: Of course! Now, are you going to help or not?

Midna: *grabs Thing* What do you think?

Thing: I think it's kind of sweet.

Midna: *Bitch slaps her again* What is wrong with you?

Thing: Nothing!

Midna: *sighs and turns back to Link and Ganon* Fine, we'll help.

Link and Ganon: Hurrah!

Thing: *laughs* Hurrah!

Midna: Ugh, can we just find him a job?

_**The Next Day…**_

_Narrator: Well, what do you think will happen?_

_LW8: 1. I can't answer because I'm the author, and 2. BURN!!!_

_Random Dude: Oh yeah! BURN!_

_Random Dude's Agent: I will have to say Ganon will cause the world to blow up._

_Everyone but Random Dude's Agent: WHF?!_

_RDA: I don't know. Anything can happen._

_Narrator: ROLL THE FIC!_

Midna: *hides in Link's shadow as they enter Castle Town* Where are we going first?

Link: Um… to the bar!

Thing: Are you sure that's such a good idea?

Ganon: Of course!

Midna: Whatever…

_**Five minutes later in Telma's Bar…**_

Telma: What can I do for ya, hun?

Midna: Oh my gosh, she sounds like Thing.

Ganon: Shh…

Link: Well, Telma, my friend here is looking for a job and I was wondering if you had anything available.

Telma: Hmm… *light bulb above her head lights up* I have just the thing. C'mere, hun.

Ganon: It that is what you wish milady.

Telma: Aw! You're sweet! Now get yer ass over here!

Ganon: …

Telma: GET OVER HERE!!

Ganon: Hurries over behind the bar with Telma. What do I have to do?

Telma: *Hands him a pile of tableware* Separate the knives from the forks and spoons, the forks from the knives and spoons, and the spoons from the forks and knives. Simple enough?

Ganon: Of course! I am the Dark Lord and these flimsy metal eating utensils will not bring me down! *Eerie lightning randomly sounds*

Link: AHH! *jumps under a table*

Midna: *rolls her eyes* Oh get up you scaredy-cat.

Link: Fine…

Thing: Hey, Telma, do you have anything to drink?

Telma: What do you want?

Link: One of your strongest drinks please!

Thing: Whiskey with a drop of lime!

Midna: Blood is fine…

Everyone: WHAT?!

Midna: One, I'm not a light dweller. And two, it's good. Everyone has there different likes, right?

Telma: … Wait one second. *Leaves and comes back over with the three drinks* Here you are! Scotch for Link, whiskey with lime for Thing, and blood… for the fairy girl.

Midna: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? DO I LOOK LIKE A FAIRY TO YOU? YOU MAY AS WELL CALL ME A PROSTITUE WHILE YOU'RE AT IT!!

Link: *Bites his lip* Well…

Midna: *growls causing Link to dive under the table again* Oh, give me that damn drink! *Snatches the glass from Zelda and chugs it down while everyone tries there best not to get sick*

Thing: *Takes her drink and gives a seductive grin to Telma who backs away slowly. She chugs down her drink and lets out a long burp* More!!

Link: *stares at his drink angrily* What is this? This is an outrage! You give me _scotch_!!!! I meant milk! Y'know! The drink that people get drunk off of and they begin to do things after they have it. M-I-L-K! *Begins to sings Y-M-C-A but instead sings M-I-L-K*

_Narrator: What is wrong with this author?_

_LW8: Well… um… a lot I suppose. But everyone likes milk! I prefer strawberry._

_RDA: What about chocolate?_

_LW8: *scrunches up her face* Ewww._

_Random Dude: Can we _please _continue?_

_Narrator: Fine, fine… I just wish I was getting paid._

_LW8: Continue!_

Telma: Milk? You want milk?

Link: Uh, yeah!

Thing: *now on about her tenth drink already and puts her mouth near Midna's ear* Hey fairy +hic+ you're pretty cute…

Midna: *bitch slaps Thing… again* What's wrong with you?

Ganon: AHHHH!!!!

Everyone: *runs over to where Ganon is sitting on the ground*

Ganon: What is this thing? It isn't a knife… but is it a spoon or a fork?!

Telma: *pats Ganon on the back* That Ganon, is a spork.

Ganon: A spork? A spork?! A SPORK?!! WHAT IS A SPORK?! *gets VERY angry and uses his dark magic to blow up the bar* DIE SPORKS!! DIE!

Thing: Whoa… +hic+ Does Ganny-poo need a +hic+ hug? *Walks over and throws her arms around him* Y'know +hic+ maybe later +hic+ we can-

Midna: *grabs Thing and pulls her away* Bad! *flicks its nose*

Thing: Ow…

Link: Uh… Midna?

Midna: What do you want?

Link: Maybe we should go…

Midna: Why should- *eyes widen when she sees Telma with a torch and pitchfork* Ah, I see. *Warps Ganon, Link, and Thing away*

_**At Lake Hylia…**_

Ganon: Why are we here? I liked my old job.

Link: Because you can't- OWWW!!! *jumps around when Thing bites his ear* What was that for?!

Thing: I +hic+ dunno… *giggles girlishly* 'Cause you're-

Midna: Okayy… Thing, shut up!

Thing: *slightly hurt* Fine.

Link: To the Canon Dude! *Runs away to the crazy man that controls the canon and in the game makes Link pay 300 RUPEES! LIKE WTF?!*

Thing and Ganon: TO THE CANON DUDE! *sprint after our green clad friend*

Midna: *groans* I'm coming.

Link: Hello! Do you have any jobs for our friend here? *indicates Ganon to the Canon Dude*

_Random Dude: WAIT! The canon guy has a NAME you know._

_RDA: Shush! I'm listening! Please continue Narrator. *grabs a handful of popcorn from LW8 who reluctantly lets him*_

_Narrator: Yeah! Shush! Now let me continue!_

Canon Guy: Uh yeah! I mean, like, working this canon is so, like, hard.

_Narrator, Random Dude, and RDA: LW8!!!!!_

_LW8: Hehe… what?_

_Narrator: *opens his mouth, quickly closes it again, and shakes his head*_

Thing: So, +hic+ you do?

CD: Of course I do you silly goats!

Midna: Why do people insist on calling me names?

Link: Aw, it's okay Midna!

Midna: Did you just call me… my _name? _

Link: Of course I did flea brain.

Midna: I wouldn't be talking skirt boy.

Link: Fatso!

Midna: Lint licker!

Link: Mail box!

Midna: Pickle breath!

Link: Shut it, fairy. If you were half as smart as you think you are, you'd be twice as smart as you really are! *folds his arms across his chest*

Midna: WHAT?!

Link: Exactly.

Midna: Whatever. Now, Canon Dude, do you have a job for him?

CD: Uh, I, like, already said yeah. Do you, like, need a hearing aid?

Thing: Well, can you just tell us what it is?

Ganon: *Whispers to Link* Do you think she's done being drunk?

Link: Naw.

CD: Sooo, yer the one that, like, needs this job, right? *points to Ganon*

Ganon: Affirmative.

CD: Well, first off, we, like, have to test you to see if you, like, can handle my baby here. Just spin this lever and your victim- I mean passenger, will, like, be launched into the air.

Ganon: *grins evilly* Sure, now do I try?

CD: Like, yaaa! Wait for me, like, to get in. *climbs into the canon*

Thing: Pull the lever, Ganon!

Ganon: *spins the lever madly and laughs as it plays this odd, creepy tune.* WHAHAHAHA! *accidentally spins it too hard, the canon tips over, and CD is launched into the side of a cliff*

Thing: Look what you +hic+ did!

Ganon: *still spinning the lever* DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!

Link: I never did get my milk…

_**Five hours later after Midna suddenly decides to beat everyone to a pulp and that scary moon from MM randomly appears above them singing the song I'm Too Sexy…**_

Link: *hiding behind Thing* I'm SORRY!!! So SORRY!

Midna: *waves her fist in the air* You should be! Now, give me a foot massage!

Thing: We have to find Ganon +hic+ a job.

Midna: *turns to Ganon* I'm sorry, but you… you are a pathetic excuse for a man and you must stick with being, I don't know… EVIL!!

Ganon: E-evil? *laughs softly and it soon becomes an uproar* EVIL! EEEVVVIIILLL!!!! Haha! My first order of business is to get rid of you! *uses his dark magic to call upon and giant… belly dancers? Okay, belly dancers who stomp Link, Thing, and Midna to nothingness…*

_Narrator: THE END!_

_Random Dude and RDA: The… end? THE END? HOW IS THIS THE END? What happened afterwards?!_

_LW8: I can answer that for you._

_Random Dude, RDA, and Narrator: … Well…?_

_LW8: Ganon becomes King of Hyrule, he creates the Gerudo tribe once more, starts global warming, and eats babies for breakfast, lunch, and dinner._

_Random Dude, RDA, and Narrator: …………_

_LW8: What?_

_RDA: You're messed up, girl._

_LW8: *smiles happily* I know._

_Narrator: There has to be more to this script…_

_LW8: *turns to face the reader* Now, are you sure what you just read and are reading is real? How do you know that this page isn't just blank and you're imagining what you are reading? Do you have proof that it is real? I THINK NOT! You don't know what I think… and if you did, then you would not be here right now…_

_Link, Midna, Zelda, Ganon, Telma, and CD: YOU MESSED US UP!!_

_Random Dude: Ooo… busted._

_LW8: *gulps* Uh, you see, there is a very good explanation for this idiotic story… it is, uh. *turns and runs away* THEY'RE ONTO ME!!_

_Link: Do you think she'll be alright?_

_Zelda: She's still alive isn't she?_

_Midna and Telma: We can't believe we were the only _normal _people in this story._

_Ganon: Yeah… You know, sometimes I really do wonder what sporks are classified as._

_Everyone: Yeah…_

_Link: Also, I never did get my milk_

**LW8: now wasn't that just messed up? Review!**

**RDA: NEVER!!!! BAHA!**

**LW8: o.O Don't listen to him...**


	2. Ganon, Jobs, and Sporks? OH MY! 2: TAoTS

**Ganon, Jobs, and… Sporks? Oh my! 2:  
****The Attack of the Sporks**

_**A/N: I am back~! Ohh yeah! Prepare to be amazed (or killed) by another extremely idiotic story of hobknockers, 'epic' spork fights, our favorite LoZ TP characters, mysterious voices, and a whole lot of bitch-slappin'! Oh yeah, be jealous. Actually, I am only writing this 'cause I have this HUGE writer's block… so… yeah… Anyhoo, you must've read the first chapter so here is your second one! WOOT! I also don't have as much little notes between RD, RDA, Narrator, and me… and my dear guest, RAP8 (Rosie)! So read if you dare!**_

**Disclaimer: Lightwolf8 does not own any of the Zelda characters, for if she did… well it is best to leave some things unsaid. And you will see why if you read this…**

_**WARNING: LW8 is extremely serious about this story being messed up, idiotic, and mad. So if you cannot handle any of the above she suggests that you leave. NOW!! SERIOUSLY!**_

_Narrator: And we're back with another messed up tale of Ganon, Thing, Link, and Midna along with some other… characters that LW8 severely messed up! This time, out dear friends are to visit Ganon at his new workplace-_

_Random Dude: I thought that LW8 said that Ganon took over Hyrule, created the Gerudo tribe once more, and ate babies for breakfast, lunch, and dinner…_

_Random Dude's Agent: Yeah!_

_Narrator: Well… eh, since LW8 had to go to therapy I decided to change the script._

_RDA and Random Dude: It was bound to happen sometime…_

_LW8: IM BACK~ *opens random door and skips into the small room*_

_Narrator, Random Dude, and RDA: … o.O_

_LW8: What? I had to go to therapy for my ANKLE you idiots. And WHAT did you say about changing the script?_

_Narrator: Uh! Nothing!_

_LW8: Good =D Now, in case all of you readers are wondering-_

_RDA: Readers? What readers?_

_LW8: *gives RDA her famous death glare* Well, what Random Dude said was true about Ganon, but this story is different. It has no correspondence to him ruling at all, although it involves Thing, Midna, and Link along with a few messed up friends. And Ganon did try applying for jobs._

_Narrator: *yawn* Are we done here? I think that the readers came here to read, I don't know… THE ACTUAL STORY! Let us begin *smiles*_

_RDA and Random Dude: Readers? What readers?_

_LK8: Shut up._

Link and Midna: *resting at Lake Hylia where they watch some Zoras swim*

Link: Midna? Why do Zoras swim naked?

Midna: *rolls her eyes* Just… don't…

Link: But why~?

Midna: Idiot. Did you hear that Thing is having a party?

Link: Ohh! Will Barney be there?!

Midna: *bitch-slaps Link* NO! There is no such thing as Barney! If there was, he'd be a child molesting freak that gets run over by rampaging 93 year olds!

Link: Why would 93 year olds be rampaging? Will they be at the party too? Oh! And will chocolate milk be there?

Midna: Just shut up.

**?: *eerie voice that comes from the heavens above* Hello young saviors, I have come to deliver a message… A message of mass destruction.**

Link: *jumps upward* AH! WE'RE ALL GUNNA DIE!

Midna: *places her hands on her hips* Well, what is it? And who are you?

**?: My name is BOB. My name stands for 'Blessed Orderly Bombs (of destruction)'. Tell the ruler of Hyrule to tell her manservant to tell his aunt to tell his dog to tell his emu to tell his waffle to tell his master to tell his sister to tell his frog to tell his cousin to tell his human friend that the sporks are rebelling. Do you need this to be repeated.**

Midna: um…

**BOB: Ugh. Tell the ruler of Hyrule to tell her manservant to tell his aunt to tell his dog to tell his emu to tell his waffle to tell his master to tell his sister to tell his frog to tell his cousin to tell his human friend that the sporks are rebelling. Do you need to have this repeated?**

Midna: *looks over at Link who is hiding behind a rock* Well-

**BOB: Tell the ruler of Hyrule to tell her manservant to tell his aunt to tell his dog to tell his emu to tell his waffle to tell his master to tell his sister to tell his frog to tell his cousin to tell his human friend that the sporks are rebelling. Do you need to have this repeated?**

Midna: Wait I-

**BOB: Tell the ruler of Hyrule to tell her manservant to tell his aunt to tell his dog to tell his emu to tell his waffle to tell his-**

Midna: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

**BOB: I do not understand such language. Tell the ruler of Hyrule to-**

Midna: I. Heard. What. You. Said. But who is this 'human friend'?

**BOB: Ganondork.**

Midna: WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME THAT?

**BOB: I didn't feel like it… And farewell friend, although I meeting was short, I wish to see your twinkling eyes and-**

**?: *Another creepy voice from heavens above* Jerald! What are you doing? I need to know whether ponies lay eggs or not!**

**BOB: Farewell!**

Midna: …

Link: Is it gone? *peeks up over top of rock* Who was he?

Midna: A voice from the heavens.

Link: ?

Midna: I don't know. This world is so messed up. I just wish I could be in the Twilight Realm once more, taking a blood bath.

Link: Eeeeep!

Midna: *floats over and grabs Link's hand* To Ganon! *warps him to Hyrule Castle*

_**At Hyrule Castle…**_

Thing: Got any ones?

Ganon: Go fish.

Thing: Ugh.

Ganon: Got any fives?

Thing: Yes…

Ganon: Can I have them?

Thing: No.

Ganon: GIVE THEM TO ME OR DIE!

Link: *pops up out of nowhere with Midna* I want a fishy! Gimme, gimme, gimme!

Thing and Ganon: 'Ello! *throw their cards up in the air*

Link: *waves happily* Thing, do you have any chocolate milk?

Thing: No.

Link: Fine.

Midna: Hey, Ganondork. I have something to tell you.

Ganon: Well?

Midna: The sporks are apparently rebelling.

Ganon: *overturns the card table and begins to scream* WE'RE ALL GUNNA DIE!!!!

Link: Of course not, silly!

Ganon: *puts his hands on his hips and sticks his butt out* What do you mean we aren't?

Thing: He's actually right. Just get a nuclear weapon and use it against them.

Everyone but Thing: WHAT?!

Thing: Well there is bombs, missles-

Everyone: *ignores Thing while she- I MEAN IT -continues ranting*

Link: I don't think I want to come to her party…

Ganon: Why not? Barney will be there.

Link: EEEP~! Barney… nightmares… molestation… rabbits…

Midna: …………

Ganon: Maybe I shouldn't have brought that up. But I thought he liked Barney…

Thing: *still going on* -guns, maybe even swords! Wouldn't a nuclear sword be-

Link: *Crouches into the fatal position* Fairy… I want my fairy…

Midna: Link, you do not have a fairy. We have to decide on what we are going to do about the sporks! I mean, we can't let them destroy us!

Ganon: YEAH!

Thing: -I mean, that would be _awesome!_ Bombs made of awesome-sauce. And-

Link: FAIRY!!!!!

Midna: You people are idiots… *eyes almost pop out of her head as Link grabs her and squeezes her to his chest* Link! Let go!

Link: Shut it Fairy!

Midna: What did I say about the name calling?! Apologize immediately and let me go! And I am NOT a fairy.

Link: *reluctantly releases Midna and wipes tears from his face* I'm sorry hobknocker…

Midna: Excuse me? *Uses her famous bitch-slap on Link*

Ganon: Ooo!!! Linky-poo got bitch-s- OW! *rubs his cheek where Midna hits him* Meanie.

Thing: No slap for me?

Midna: *shrugs and bitch-slaps Thing*

Thing: What was that for?! *slaps her back*

Thing and Midna: *Get in a slappy fight*

_Narrator: Hi._

_LW8: Wtf? Why'd you just stop?_

_Narrator: I dunno. We haven't had a note yet._

_LW8: Well continue the story, dammit! *Pulls out machete and points it at Narrator*_

_Narrator: Well there's no need to get violent! CONTINUING!_

Link: Should we stop them?

Ganon: Nah. Cat-fights are cool.

Link: Oh.

Ganon: You don't know anything about women do you?

Link: YES I DO!

Ganon: No you don't. You don't even live with any.

Link: YES I DO! Well… sort of. There's my creepy stalker neighbor Ilia who sends me love notes and mushy stuff all the time. We live in the same village. Oh, and she slept over once. Her dad, the Mayor of Buffness, Bo, wanted us to have it to see what would happen.

Ganon: And?

Link: *shudders* I don't like to mention it.

**?: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? THE SPORKS ARE PREPARING TO ATTACK!**

Link: It's the voice! The voice of the DEEEEVIL!! Everybody run! *Screams like an actor/actress in one of those crappy horror films* Midna! Help!

Midna and Thing: *pause from their bitch-slap fight* What?

Link: *voice becomes very tiny* It's the voice.

Thing: Voice?

Midna: Oh, hi BOB.

Ganon: I once had a goldfish named Bob. I fed him animal crackers for breakfast and other feshies for lunch and supper. He died.

**BOB: Yes, it is me again. I see that you STILL have not begun preparing for the attack.**

Midna: We can take 'em with no problemo!

Thing: Yeah! We're just going to use nuclear weapons!

Ganon, Link, and Midna: We are?

**BOB: You are?**

Thing: Uh, yeah.

Midna: Hey, BOB, I have a question. How come last time we were talking a creepy voice interrupted and called you 'Jerald'? What kind of name is that?

**BOB: Um… that's… my name… DON'T JUDGE ME! And that other voice was my mother. She's a creeper. *begins to whisper* She puts tracking devices in my underpants…**

Thing: Voices wear underpants?

Link: Pownage!

**BOB (a.k.a. Jerald): No offense, but you people are messed up…**

Midna: I'm an imp.

Ganon: I'm a Evil Dude.

Thing: I'm a Thing.

Link: I'm a pony! Not person!

**BOB (a.k.a. Jerald): … Wow …**

_LW8: HEY! That's what my friend Megan says all the time when I do something stupid!_

_Narrator: So she says it a lot?_

_LW8: Yup… Wait! You're mean!_

_Narrator: I take that as a compliment._

_LW8: Rosie's coming over!_

_RDA: Now?_

_LW8: Yes._

_Random Dude: But you're writing…_

_Narrator: She can multi-task. ROLL THE FIC!_

Midna: Welcome to the world of idiots, BOB. Now, how strong are the sporks?

**BOB (a.k.a. Jerald): Pretty strong. I can't exactly saw how strong though.**

Midna: Oh.

Thing: Let's rip them to shreds! *lets out a raving mad battle cry*

Ganon: *joins in*

Link: I'm scared…

Midna: Me too.

**BOB (a.k.a. Jerald): So I guess that is it for now. I will come tell you more information once I get some. Bye.**

*****sudden awkward silence occurs*

Ganon: I'll get the guillotine.

Thing: But sporks don't have heads.

Ganon: I'LL GET THE CHAINSAW!

Link: YES!! What do you think fairy-bitch?

Midna: I… whatever.

*sudden yells are heard from outside the throne room and the guards in their frilly pink dresses run to the 'rescue'*

**BOB (a.k.a. Jerald): They are here!**

Link: *screams and grabs hold of Midna* We're gunna die! Midna… before I die… there is something I must tell you! I… I… Stole your Fig Newton and ate it. Then I pooped it out and wondered if I should give it back to you. But I didn't!

Midna: *let's out a small sigh of relief* I thought you were going to say something else…

Thing: We have to stop them! *points to where an army of sporks are heading though the door* I know what I'll do! *Begins singing 'I'm a Barbie Girl'*

Ilia: *appears from nowhere and pretends to be Ken*

Ganon: *Gets a random stereo and turns on the Mortal Kombat Theme*

Midna and Link: Worst combination ever…

The creepy moon from MM: *appears from nowhere and sings 'I'm Too Sexy'… again.

Midna: Oh… my… gawd…

Link: *draws his sword* Let's go fight Midna!

Midna: Aww~ You called me by my name. Of course I'll fight! *Uses the fused shadows to attack the… sporks…*

_LW8: I just realized how messed up my mind is…_

_Rosie: Thank you Captain Obvious._

_Narrator: I like her!_

_LW8: Rosie, go home._

_Rosie: Nah, my mom is doing laundry and she'll make me do it if I go home. I'd much rather enjoy put these little notes into your story._

_LW8: Oh…_

_Narrator: Hey, Rosie, are you single?_

_Rosie: LW8, stop having your characters hit on me._

_LW8: Fine. TIME TO CONTINUE NOW THAT ROSIE IS HERE!_

_***five awesomely epic seconds later of fighting that LW8 is too lazy to write so just puts this thing here even though only five seconds have passed and the battle just ended***_

Sporks: NOOOOO!!!!!!

Ganon: Burn baby burn! *melts the sporks to nothingness with his fire power!*

Thing and Link: We won!

Midna: Finally.

Link: For our celebration we should have milk and get high!

Midna: Link, for the last time, you can't get high off of milk! And Barney isn't real!

Link: Next your going to tell me that Santa Clause doesn't steal pillows.

Everyone including Rosie and BOB: WHAT?

_RDA: Don't worry you'll get used to it._

_Rosie: …_

_LW8: You bet she will!_

Midna: Well, he doesn't.

Link: Shut up, fairy-bitch!

Midna: Taco-shell

Link: Lard butt!

Midna: You already used that, you hobknocker!

Link: Pillow case!

Midna: Buffalo bum!

Link: Puppy eater!

Thing and Ganon: *watch the two have a name calling contest*

Ganon: Want to continue our game of Go-fish?

Thing: Sure.

Ganon: Can I please have my fives?

Link: I don't want to fight anymore, Midna!

Midna: Um… 'k then. What do you want to do then?

Link: Ask questions. BOB, why does your mom hate you? Midna, do Zora's swim naked?

**BOB (a.k.a. Jerald): She doesn't hate me.**

Link: Of course she does. She named you Jerald didn't she?

**BOB: … I'm leaving.**

Link: Your turn Midna.

Midna: I don't know Link… just… don't ask questions like that.

?: THERE YOU ARE! PREPARE TO DIE!

Everyone: *looks over to see none other that… TELMA CARRYING HER TORCHES AND PITCHFORKS!!!! Dun dun DUN!*

Link: Run like you life depends on it~!

Thing, Ganon, and Midna: *watch Link run away*

Thing: Mid, can you warp us somewhere else?

Midna: *shrugs* Sure.

_LW8: TAHDAH!! *wipes tears from her eyes* It was so beautiful._

_RDA: Sure._

_Random Dude: LW8, do Zora's swim naked, though?_

_LW8: …_

_Narrator: This was quite a story…_

_Rosie: Character abuser…_

_Hobo from the previous chapter: Y.G. is not a character abuser!_

_LW8: Who's Y.G._

_Hobo: You silly. Y.G. stands for Young Grasshopper._

_LW8: Oh, I remember. You wouldn't happen to be a monk looking for golden chocolate, would you?_

_Everyone but LW8 and Hobo: WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE STORY!?_

_Hobo: How'd you know?_

_LW8: I had a dream about it._

_Rosie: Um… well… can we end this already?_

_LW8: Of course! Farewell my dear readers!_

_RDA and Random Dude: Readers? What readers?_

_LW8: For the last time… SHUT UP! Anyhoo, I hope you enjoyed! And I have a question for you, how many times did you say WTF as you were reading this chapter? And what do you think of me adding different little stories to go in the G,S,J?OM! ? I think I am going to do that. Just so I can get rid of this horrid writers block. Thanks and reviews are like food, you can't not love 'em!_


	3. When you give an idiot a cookie

**Ganon, Jobs, and… Sporks? Oh my!**

**A/N: Whee~! Guesses whats? I decided to make more! Yippee! Actually, just to get rid of my stupid writers block, so if you are reading any of my other stories I don't think I will be updating soon… so yeah. How will Thing, Ganondork, Link, and Midna manage to survive? O.o Oh, and BOB will be joining us again, too. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Lightwolf8 does not own any of the Zelda characters, for if she did… well it is best to leave some things unsaid. And you will see why if you read this…**

_**WARNING: LW8 is extremely serious about this story being messed up, idiotic, and mad. So if you cannot handle any of the above she suggests that you leave. NOW! SERIOUSLY!**_

_**When You Give An Idiot A Cookie…**_

_?: Hello dear readers, Narrator will not be with us this chapter, because, uh… LW8 has finally decided to punish him for his… for his… What's with this stupid script? *goes through a pile of papers angrily before throwing them all up in the air* Burn you stupid script… LW8 has decided to punish him just to punish him. 'k? Good. On with the "story"._

_Random Dude: Wait! You haven't told us your name._

_?: I am the nothingness of the world, the emptiness of the empty cereal box that disappoints you greatly when you have only half a bowl of cereal poured._

_Random Dude: …_

_NOTW,EOTECBTDYGWYHOHBOCP: Well-_

_Random Dude's Agent: How 'bout we just call you Cereal._

_Cereal: Um, okay! *does happy dance* Roll the film!_

_Cereal: _We join our "heroes" once again at Hyrule Castle recovering from their "epic" battle with the sporks. Ganon, crouched in a corner like a itty-bitty baby, is sucking his thumb, scarred for life from seeing so many sporks at once. (And from once more encountering Telma) Zelda -I mean Thing!- is sitting on her throne, enjoying the view of the Goddesses. (see first chapter beginning) Link is having yet another name-calling contest while he drinks milk and claims he is high while the Twilight Idiot is drinking some blood. *shudders*

Link: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH AN EYE SUCKER?

Midna: MAYBE IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A COOKIE HATER THEN-

Link: *puts up his hand and looks away* You… you… I love cookies! They are my life! The reason I live!

Midna: I thought you live just to fail at life. And because no one else will take the stupid "hero" job.

Link: That too! But cookies~…! I LOVE THEM! TONIGHT, I SHALL MAKE LOVE-

Midna: WHOA! Whoa there hero! Too much info!

Link: What? I was going to say that I was going to make love-_ly _batches of cookies later on…

Midna: … *floats away, unsure what to say*

Ganon: *storms over and points his finger at Link* You're an ass!

Link and Midna: O.o Random…

Link: Well, yeah, you're… a… PONY BOY!

Ganon: *sniffles and tears begin to grow on the corners of his eyes* Why are you so mean! I'm sorry! *bursts out crying and sinks to the floor*

_Cereal: Why is Ganon such a baby?_

_RDA: Because LW8 has issues._

_Random Dude: Yeah._

_Cereal: Oh…_

Thing: Now, now, don't cry… it may be true but-

Ganon: I SHALL DESTROY YOU WITH YOUR FUCKED UP COOKIES, LINK!

Link: *places hands on hips and does that snappy thing* Uh-uh, you did not just go there sista.

Thing: Hey… that's what I do…

Ganon: BURN! FUEGO FUEGO! *disappears in - guess - fire, and everything is quiet once more*

Link: So… can we make cookies now? And Midna, if you want, I can make love to them.

Midna: Don't you mean _lovely_? Like you just said?

Link: *blinks* No.

Thing and Midna: *anime sweat drop and back away slowly* Uhhh…

Things: *whispers to Midna* Is that even possible?

_**Five minutes later after long periods of staring…**_

Link: *claps hands together* Well, I'm going to go make my cookies then! *skips off to the kitchen*

Thing: Ah, his first lover. So cute.

Midna: What is wrong with you people… or things… or… I don't know anymore.

**?: Well, at least you know what I am.**

Thing: WHAT WAS THAT! *goes into stealth ninja mode, 'cause… well… ninjas are awesome!*

Midna: Hey, BOB.

**BOB: Hello Princess. I have come to tell you that an enemy is approaching. Goodbye.**

Midna: *Flicks a random little fly* Whatever.

Thing: I like him.

Midna: Good to know.

?: DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!

Midna and Thing: *turn to the entrance of the throne room to see… Ganon… with a cape and bandit mask on*

Midna: Hmm… I wonder who that is. *rolls eyes*

Thing: Dude, that getup is WAY uncool, seriously, what were you thinking with that? Are you some hippie mama or somethin'?

Ganon: DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE! *Stomps around the throne room with his hands held like he is a monster*

Thing: Is he sick or somethin'?

Midna: I will destroy him! MWAHAHA! *tries to conjure the fused shadows but instead gets the… fused… cookies?* LINK!

Link: *Pops out of nowhere* Yes?

Midna: *eye twitches angrily* What happened to my fused shadows?

Link: Oh, those ugly things? I got rid of them and made cookies to take their place, duh silly!

Midna: *Grabs Link* WHAT? AND YOU DIDN'T MAKE LOVE TO THEM DID YOU!

Link: Now I can use them. *takes fused cookies and closes eyes. Fused cookies spin around him and he becomes… the Cookie Monster*

Midna: …Are you going to answer me…

Cookie Monster: *pops out of nowhere* Whoa, whoa. Totally stole my act, dude.

Thing: Yeah! I happen to like the cookie monster!

Cookie Monster: Ah, thanks! C is for cookie-

Ganon: You're not even part of TLOZ! Go back to the creeper Sesame Street.

Cookie Monster: I could if I want to!

Thing: Prove it!

Cookie Monster: Fine! *disappears in fire*

_Random Dude: What's with the fire?_

_RDA: *shrugs*_

_Cereal: How am I supposed to know?_

_LW8: I'm a pyromaniac._

_RDA: When'd you get here? And… wow… that explains a lot…_

_LW8: I finished punishing Narrator for now. So, how's it going, nothingness of the world, the emptiness of the empty cereal box that disappoints you greatly when you have only half a bowl of cereal poured?_

_Cereal: It's Cereal. And shouldn't we let the readers read, I don't know, the STORY?_

_LW8: You're just like Narrator… *grins evilly* Will I have to use Chinese water torture with you too?_

_Cereal: *backs away* … rolling the script …_

Midna: We have messed up lives… Hey, where's Link?

Everybody: *Shrugs*

**5 minutes of doing nothing later…**

Link: *walks out of the kitchen* Hey, does anyone know where the milk is?

Thing: Why do you want milk, hun?

Ganon: Milk is for squares.

**BOB: Yo dude, don't go dissin' the squares now, ya hear?**

Link: Thank you for defending me. I'm touched. *sniffs*

Midna: Link, you just called your own self a square…

Link: How?

Midna: Well Ganon said that milk is for squares then **BOB **said don't go dissin' the squares and you said that your touched that he defending you so…

Thing: *wraps arms around a surprised Midna* Ignore those fools…

Midna: *Bitch-slaps Thing*

Ganon and **BOB:** **Oooooo, you got bitch-slaaaaaapeedd~**

Ganon: That's my line.

Link: No mine

**BOB: Listen everyone, why can't we all just be friends and-**

Link: No one wants to be damn friends!

**BOB: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .**

_**And a googol of little dotsies later…**_

**BOB: *breaks out singing* Why can't we be friends, why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? *and so on***

Midna: My ears hurt…

Link: Got that right fairy.

Midna: WHAT DID I TELL YOU!

Link: To not eat boogers?

Midna: NO!

Link: Then I can eat boogers?

Thing and Ganon: You eat boogers? Eww!

**BOB: *And he's still… singing…***

Midna: NO NO NO! *Face turns red* You do not eat boogers!

Link: Then why'd you ask me to tell you what you told me when I called you a fairy?

Midna: THE OTHER THING I TOLD YOU!

Link: That alpacas are better than lamas?

Thing: You know what Link: I think they are too!

Ganon: I would rather kill them both.

Thing: But don't they make milk?

Link: DON'T YOU LAY A FAT FINGER OF YOURS ON THOSE ALPACAS AND LAMAS, GANON-BUTT!

Thing: Link likes his milk…

Midna: *continuously bashes her head off a random pole*

Ganon: *sniffs and bursts out crying* meanie!

Midna: OH MY *BEEEEEEEP*

_Cereal: We will be right back after these important messages… *whispers to RDA* So. Messed. Up._

_RDA: I know…_

_~This fanfic is brought to you by TINCANS~_

_*Random dancing tin can pops up and discos*_

_Cereal: Tincans?_

_LW8: Yes, The Idiots Not Caring About Nagging Suckas._

_RD, RDA, and Cereal: . . . _

_LW8: Ugh, story time! Well, last year, by friend would always and constantly nag me, who she claimed was a stupid idiot and-_

_Cereal: Just roll the scrip! But why are they dancing?_

Midna: *BEEEEEEEEEEEP* Stupids!

Everyone: O.o

Midna: I TOLD YOU TO DROP IT WITH THE NAME CALLING!

Link: Oh, right, Egg Sucker.

Midna: *twitches* Donkey Mouth

Link: Fig Newton squisher!

Midna: Clown face!

Link: Water bottle!

Midna: DISHWASHER!

Thing: *to Ganon* Is it me, or have they gotten really suckish at name calling…

*DING*

Link: Brass- Oh! My new batch of cookies are done! *Hurries off into the kitchen while everyone stands there in silence*

_Cereal: . . . Is that is? THAT WAS THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING I EVER NARRATED FOR!_

_Random Dude: It was the only thing you ever narrated for._

_Cereal: Shut up! LW8! Explain this!_

_LW8: Well, you see, this is a crack fic, a work of fan fiction that is messed up and makes the author seem like they are drunk when they write. I, of course, am not drunk. Hey I don't even drink. I'm only thirteen, I mean fourteen. The purpose of crack fics is to supply the audience with messed up humor that is… well… messed up. DUH!_

_Cereal: I quit. Bring Narrator back. Because I quit. Good bye!_

_RDA: Tata lubly!_

_Cereal: o.O_

_LW8: Well, dear readers-_

_RDA: Readers? What readers?_

_LW8: I know this was completely pointless, that's the point, but this was absolutely about NOTHING! Dammit… I had no plot line at all…_

_Random Dude: Since when did you have a plot line?_

_LW8: SHUT UP! So I was thinking of doing random scenes of TLOZ TP for the next chapters, what do you think? I don't have to, I can just continue with this of course. You guys decide! Bye for now!_


	4. EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!

**Ganon, Jobs, and… Sporks? Oh my!**

**A/N: Her we are with a new chapter! Woot! In this one, I decided on actually on redoing a scene from TP. Which one you ask? Why should I tell you? Well, if you look down a bit at where the story begins in italics and you read, you will find out before the actual occurrence! Hehehe. Just look at the title. You should be able to figure it out if your mind is somewhat similar to mine. I think. Oh, and I got rid of the **_**WARNING **_**because if you read up to this chapter, you should be used to insanity. So, a here we go now!**

**Disclaimer: Lightwolf8 does not own any of the Zelda characters, for if she did… well it is best to leave some things unsaid. And you will see why if you read this…**

_**EVERYBODY DANCE NOW~!**_

_LW8: Welcome dearies! Welcome, welcome! Last chapter was crap… I made crap! I feel accomplished! Um. No. Not really… So, my readers of-_

_RDA: Readers? What readers?_

_LW8: STOP IT! It's just getting old!_

_RDA: *shrugs*_

_LW8: As I was saying… I once again was bored so I was playing Zelda TP and, for about the gagillionth time, I beat it. But I was in the Palace of Twilight where you have a nice little chat over scones and tea with Zant (not really. If you believe that, believe that I am the creator of the spork. Damn, I wish I was…) ANYWAYS, then Zant begins to do his messed up weird dancy thingy majigy and goes WHOO and WHAA and so on. That my friends, is where I got the idea for this new chapter. No more information for now, so… Narrator! Take in away!_

_Narrator: *Glances at LW8 and RDA and Random Dude* Um… yeah… well, uh. Rolling the script!_

Link and Midna: *walk into the throne room of Twilightness to see… ZANT! Dun dun… DUN!*

Midna: Zant… WAZZUP BRUDAH!

Zant: Oh, Midna… you have become… unnormal…

Midna: Yeah, you try stayin' with a fuckin' milk-luvin' boy and try to stay sane!

Zant: Milk? From where? *winks at Midna*

Midna: …

Link: *stands in the background and twiddles his thumbs boredly*

Zant: Well, now that you are here - finally! I mean come on! How long does it take a bitch and her pup to get to the Twilight? Forever~! - anyways, let me tell you something missy. Hey! *points angrily at Midna who looses interest and twiddles her own thumbs* LISTEN WHEN I SPEAK TO YOU! NOW I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A BORING HISTORY LESSON!

Midna: *looks up* Did you say something, foo?

Link: Yo, fairy, I'm hungry.

Midna: Wait till we defeat him then you can have a nice twilight man for supper.

Link: But you said cannibalism was a no-no.

Midna: I changed my mind. *Feels strange gnawing on her arm and turns to see Link… biting her…* WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

Link: You just said cannibalism was a no-no!

Midna: It is!

Link: Then I can't eat the fish lord?

Zant: Fish lord?

Link: Yeah, your funky helmet looks like a fishy! Hehe!

Midna: Yes you can eat him!

Link: But why can't I eat you?

Midna: Because I said so!

Link: But that's not fair! You look tastier!

*…_silence…_*

Zant: Ooh, Midna!

Midna: SHUT UP! Link, eat him. Just not me or anyone else! Understood? That will be one of the things I tell you to do and/or are right/correct in any way!

Link: Along with no nose picking, alpacas are better than llamas, you have a pimple on your back named Steve, and if you ever see a ninja, don't EVER go up to him and ask him if he's a Nazi?

Midna: *slaps her forehead* Yes. Yes, Link.

Zant: *clears his throat* Um, can I give my boring history lesson now?

Link: Go on ahead, Fish lord.

Zant: -.- Well, you see, long ago our ancestors did a bad no-no and-

Link: *gasps* They were cannibals?

Zant: NO! As I was saying: they did a bad no-no and were sent to the Twilight Realm like free birdies getting put into a cage! And because we were locked from the outside world for so long, we kinda adapted and grew grey/bluish in color and our eyes grew red, ya know? WE KNEW NOTHING! *he raised his hands above his head for a very, very, very long time*

Midna: What the fuckity are you doing?

Link: Thing told you to not use bad words like that last time we saw her!

_**FLASHBACK TO WHEN MIDNA WAS TURNED BLUE BY THE LIGHT SPIRIT AFTER THE END OF THE WATER TEMPLY PLACE AND ZANT APPEARS AND MIDNA IS NOW BEING CARRIED TO HYRULE CASTLE BY WOLF LINK! *LE GASP***_

Wolf Link: *carries a funky colored Midna to Hyrule castle* Hold on just a little bit longer! We'll get you to the castle to have the baby!

Midna: LINK! FOR THE LAST TIME! IM. NOT. PREGNANT!

Wolf Link: But you're sooooo heavy!

Midna: Well excuse me if I put on a few pounds! I can't resist chocolate cake! Who knew the Oocoos or whatever those damned bowling pin birds are called made such good cake!

Wolf Link: You're breath is even raggedy! And only a few pounds? That's it! You're going on my weight loss program! *stops running to the castle and pulls out a poster*

Midna: *pokes him on the head* Just because I'm sick-

Wolf Link: You mean pregnant.

Midna: Just because I'm _SICK _doesn't mean I'm dead yet! And where did you get that poster from, dog?

Wolf Link: *blinks* Nowhere…

Midna: … *looks at the poster to see a human Link without a shirt-

_Narrator: Yes all you Link-obsessed fan girls, picture a huge poster of Link without a shirt right in front of you. It is now time to SQUEE! And oh yeah, be jealous of Midna._

_Random Dude: Srsly?_

_RDA: I have told you before that my client is not here for your nonsense!_

_Narrator: No, you said opinion. And I'm pretty sure that wasn't an opinion. And if your "client" is not here for nonsense, then why is he even here at all?_

_Random Dude: You're the worst agent in the history of agents._

_Narrator: Continuing!_

Midna: *looks at the poster to see a human Link without a shirt with red letters in the background saying 'Try my diet! It works!'* O.o Link, how are we even supposed to try the diet when it doesn't say how?

Wolf Link: That paper is my diet. *takes a big bite out of the poster* Yum!

Midna: Well that's stupid!

Wolf Link: Hey, I'm just doing it for the mo-nay! Besides, you'd be surprised how many fan girls would want to eat me.

Midna: Whatever! NOW GET ME TO THE CASTLE, DAMMIT!

Wolf Link: As you wish, preggo!

Midna: I'm not pregnant, rug hugger!

_**Five minutes later at Thing's little room in the castle…**_

Wolf Link: *walks into the room and sees no Zelda*MIDNA!

Midna: Huh… what?

Wolf Link: HOW DID YOU GET PREGNANT! IT WAS THAT LIGHT SPIRIT WAN'T IT?

Midna: For the last time: I AM NOT FUCKIN' PREGNANT! *falls onto the ground and writhes like a fish*

Thing: *mystically and magically appears from nowhere and places her hand on Midna. She looks at her kindly and the bitch-slaps her* NO CURSING!

Midna: Oww… Yo, Thing, before I die… tell Link where to break his damned curse…

Thing: *bitch-slaps her again* NO CURSING!

Midna: You need him… to save Hyrule from the Twilight…

Thing: Him? Aw come on, hun, I'd rather have a cucoo do it!

Wolf Link: HEY! I was the only one who signed up for the job!

Thing: Why'd you even sign up then?

Wolf Link: Because I was bored! Stop yelling at me! AHH!

Thing: Anyways, you cursing beeitch, as you wished for me to do, I will tell Wolf boy here how to break his stupid wolf curse. *turns to Link* Go to the sacred grove outside your homeland-

Wolf Link: NO! I don't wanna go back there! I have bad memories!

Thing: *blinks* Go there and get the funky sword of the Master of somethin' like that. Evilness can never touch it!

Wolf Link: Why?

Thing: Well, it is rumored that the first hero peed on it. WHY DO YOU THINK?

_LW8: HEY! Speaking of first hero, well not really… I just thought of this for some reason right now… BUT anyhoo, did you hear there's gunna be a new Zelda game called Skyward Sword? But it won't come out until late 2011 I heard. And it takes place before OoT! *breaks down crying* NO MIDNAAAA!_

_Random Dude: There, there. Don't cry._

_Narrator: Let her cry. She deserves it after all of the torturous things she did to me last chapter!_

_RDA: What ever happened to cereal?_

_Random Dude: She quit._

_RDA: Oh, right, right._

Wolf Link: I don't know…

Midna: Thing… one more thing… tell the little fag-

Thing: NO CURSING! *bitch-slaps Midna*

Midna: *bitch-slaps her back*

Thing and Midna: *get into a slappy fight whist Link watches*

Midna: Tell him… where to find… the Mirror of Epic Twilight…

Thing: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I WAS RIGHT ABOUT WHAT YOU WERE! WOOT! PARTAY!

Wolf Link: What is she?

Thing: OH YEAH BABAY!

Wolf Link: *completely ignored*

Thing: Take my gift now, so I don't have to be on this messed up planet anymore! *passes golden funky magic onto Midna giving her her color back showing that she is no longer going to die. Suddenly…* SO LONG SUCKAS! *disappears completely*

Midna: *looks at her restored body* She…-

Wolf Link: Hey, where's the baby?

_**END FLASHBACK (FINALLY!)**_

Midna: *thinks back* Oh yeah.

Zant: *is STILL standing there with his hands above his head* And do you know why? Because of the Royal Familia of Twilightness that didn't do anything to get us outta here! And do you know what I have to say about it?

Link: No.

Midna: Should we?

Zant: *twists around* I'll tell you!

Midna and Link: Go ahead.

Zant: … EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!

Twilight Beasts: *randomly appear and give a funky background beat while Zant dances madly and the MM moon appears once again to sing along*

Midna: …

Link: *begins doing the Macarena* Dance Midna dance!

Midna: Really? Hello, what kind of battle is this? We're supposed to kill Zant! Not dance with him!

Link: Then dance with me instead! *grabs Midna and does the tango with Zant spinning in circles around them*

*the songs ends and Zant blows up*

Midna and Link: O.o What. The. Heck.

Link: *Walks over to Zant. Or the remains of him anyway* He danced himself to death…

Midna: …

Link: Midna? Are you okay? *pokes Midna*

Midna: I'M STILL A-

_Narrator: Once again, we must take your attention from Midna because she, as I mentioned before, has an extremely colorful vocabulary. This time, she isn't going on about ants._

Midna: - IMP!

Link: You're an imp? I thought you were a fairy? *looks at dead Zant* Can I eat him now?

Midna: NO! LETS GO TO SAVE ZELDA! SOMETHING ISN'T RIGHT!

Link: *pouts* But you said I could…

Midna: I changed my mind!

Link: Then can I have some milk?

Midna: NO.

_LW8: And there you go folks. It ended a bit suddenly but I got a sudden mental block so I stopped where it seemed good. Ish._

_Narrator: I should seriously get paid for this…_

_RDA: Haha, loser!_

_Random Dude: I can dig some milk right now too._

_LW8: So, yeah, that's it for now. I think I'm going to stick with doing random scenes from the game. It worked out pretty well. So… yeah… you guys can go press that little button down there now. You know, the one that says review. But you don't have to, but it would be appreciated. So, until next time! Byez!_


End file.
